Why do we shrink when we talk about money?
I can't believe I haven't written about this yet. Money is one of my favourite subjects - and one of the most revealing.
In my recruitment career, I talked about salary every single day for over twenty years. I'd go back to clients on behalf of candidates without hesitation - even when the candidate told me not to bother. I'd refuse to present an offer I thought was an insult. Sometimes they said no. Most of the time, they came back with more.
So perhaps I'm desensitised. But I genuinely believe this: the more comfortable we become talking about money, the more we'll earn. It's that straightforward.
And what I keep observing - still, in almost every coaching conversation - is how quickly women move from what they want to what they'll settle for.
WHAT I HEAR ALL THE TIME
The negotiation that happens before the negotiation
Ask someone what they want to earn, and watch what happens. There's a shift. The energy changes. Voices drop. And then comes one of these:
'I don't need to earn what I did before.'
'It's not all about the money for me.'
'I know the market isn't great, I need to be realistic.'
'Changing sector means I'll probably have to take a cut.'
Before the conversation has even started, they've already begun negotiating against themselves.
And here's what strikes me every time: they usually know the number. The challenge isn't identifying what they want to earn. The challenge is saying it out loud without immediately talking themselves back down. The challenge is believing it's possible.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that wanting more was uncomfortable. So instead of asking for what we want, we learned to justify why we'd accept less.
A STORY FROM MY OWN CAREER
When I dug my heels in
I remember a year when I'd been acting up in a role, had gone for a promotion - and watched a man get it instead. I was furious. And then, in the same breath, my annual review came back with a 5% uplift despite my team hitting 125% of target. They also tried to change my commission structure, removing the element I'd just been rewarded for hitting.
So I pushed back. I asked them to explain the logic. I requested a pay comparison against my peers - who were, predictably, men. I made a case for my growth target being reinstated. And I didn't move until they could justify the decision.
I wasn't doing it because I felt entitled. I was doing it because I wanted them to explain the reasoning. And if the reasoning didn't hold up, I wanted them to know I'd noticed.
We accept so much without ever asking: is that actually true?
AND ANOTHER ONE
The CPO who started whispering
A few years later, at the same company, I moved into a group support role that had essentially been built around my expertise. When it came to the package discussion, the Chief People Officer suddenly dropped his voice. Started almost whispering the salary figure. Like we were discussing something shameful.
I remember looking at him and saying: 'I negotiated packages for a living. Let's talk about this like adults.'
Because what struck me wasn't the number. It was the discomfort. The fact that even someone at that level couldn't have a direct conversation about money without the awkwardness.
I knew what the role was worth. I knew the value it would create, the risk it would mitigate, the expertise it required. And that doesn't come cheap. So I held my ground - because if you're not advocating for yourself, who is?
BEFORE YOUR NEXT NEGOTIATION
Don't throw reasoning out of the window just because you're talking about money. Make it make sense. And if it doesn't, ask the right questions.
We know the gender pay gap exists. We know women are statistically less likely to ask. We know many of us have been conditioned to be grateful rather than direct. But knowing your worth, holding your nerve and refusing to pre-negotiate yourself into a corner will pay dividends - long term and otherwise.
Get clear on your value. Get clear on your proposition. Get clear on the number you actually want. And then go for it.
The worst that can happen is someone says no. But what if they don't? What if the only thing standing between you and earning more is simply having the courage to ask?
Money is one of the things we go deep on inside Reset & Rise the numbers, the beliefs behind them, and the practical tools to hold your ground in any negotiation.
If this landed for you, drop me a message on Instagram or LinkedIn. And talk about money - to anyone who'll listen. The more we normalise it, the less power the awkwardness has.
Speak soon,
Sal x
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